A paper for those of us a little older…
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A Page with a little humour

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I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
‘This is the 21st century, old man,’ my son said. ‘We don’t waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.’
I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it…
SEX AT 79 ?

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can have sex at 79.
I’m so happy, because I live at number 71!
So it’s not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it’s the same side of the street,
so I don’t have to cross the road.
The Bridge Game
A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why she left her last employment she replied, “Yes, sir, the wages were good, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked.
“They played a game they call BRIDGE, and last night a lot of folks were there.
As I was about to bring refreshments, I heard a man say, ‘Lay down and let’s see what you got.’ Another man said ‘I got strength, but not much length.’
And then another man said to a lady, ‘Take your hand off my trick.’ I pretty near dropped dead just when a lady answered, ‘You forced me. You jumped me twice when you didn’t have the strength for one good raise’ another lady was talking about protecting her honor and two ladies were talking and one said, ‘Now, it’s my turn to play with your husband while you play with mine.’
Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving I hope to die if one them didn’t say, ‘Well, I guess we can go home, this is our last rubber.

 

 

 

Husband:  Oh, come on.
Wife:  Leave me alone!
Husband:  It won’t take long.
Wife:  I won’t be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband:   I can’t sleep without it.
Wife:   Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband:  Because I’m Hot.
Wife:  You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband:  If you love me I wouldn’t have to beg you.
Wife:   If you love me you’d be more considerate.
Husband:  You don’t love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let’s forget it for tonight.
Husband:  Please…come on
Wife:   Alright, I’ll do it.
Husband:  What’s the matter? Need a flashlight?
Wife:  I can’t find it.
Husband:   Oh, for heaven’s sake, feel for it!
Wife:   There! Are you satisfied?
Husband:  Oh, yes..
Wife:  Is it up far enough?
Husband:  ! Oh, that’s good.
Wife:  Now go to sleep, and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself..
 

 His wife’s graveside service was just barely finished, when  there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous  bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.  The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,
‘Well, she’s there.

A trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe’ and placed his order. He said I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.’  The  new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, ‘This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards….. What does he think this place is an auto parts store?’
‘No,’ the cook said. ‘Three flat tires mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards… are 2 slices of crisp bacon!
‘Oh… OK!’ said the waitress. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, ‘What are the beans for?’
‘She replied, ‘I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. At work, I have a work station..

 Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Dan and his wife, Barb, listened to the instructor declare, ‘It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.’
He then addressed the men, ‘Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?’
Dan leaned over, touched Barb’s arm gently, and whispered, ‘Robin Hood All-Purpose, isn’t it?’
And thus began Dan’s life of celibacy.

Over the long haul of life on this planet, it is the people, and not the bookkeepers of business, who are the ultimate accountants.
A recent study foundthe average Canadian walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found Canadians drink,
on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Canadians get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Texting for Seniors
Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you.
ATD: At The Doctor’s
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk’s On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL… CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing… And Can’t Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where are The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
GLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin’s six-year-old     daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing.
After mulling over my answers, she remarked,
‘My mom has some of those, but I don’t think she knows how to use them..’ 
A Letter to the Prime Minister
Dear Mr. Harper,
Please find below my suggestion for fixing Canada ‘s economy.
Instead of giving billions of dollars to banks and car companies, that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan:
There are about 20 million people over 50 in the work force.
Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:
1)  They MUST retire. Twenty million job openings –   Unemployment fixed.
2)  They MUST buy a new Canadian CAR. Twenty million cars ordered – Auto Industry fixed.
3)  They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage – Housing Crisis fixed.
4) They MUST send their kids to school/college /university – Crime Rate fixed.
5)  Buy $50 of alcohol / tobacco / petrol a week –
There’s your money back in duty / tax etc.
It can’t get any easier than that!

1. What always runs but never walks, often murmurs, never talks, has a bed but never sleeps, has a mouth but never eats?

2. What is in seasons, seconds, centuries and minutes but not in decades, years or days?

3.  What has a head, a tail, is brown, and has no legs?

4. You throw away the outside and cook the inside. Then you eat the outside and throw away the inside. What did you eat?

1. A river. 2. The letter ‘n’, 3. a penny, 4. An ear of corn.

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.  The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.  Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes  passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, “I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?”
“I’m sorry if I disturbed you; I have a very rare medical condition.
Whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm.”
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never heard of that condition before,” he said.”   Are you taking anything for it?”
The woman nodded.
“Black Pepper”

He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room.   Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.
He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice, close to my ear.
“Just relax. . . “
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing and moving upward along my calves, slowly, but steadily.  My breath caught in my throat.
I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn’t care.   His touch was so experienced, so sure.
When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and I partly closed my eyes.  My pulse was pounding.   I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage.  And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.
Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant.  This is a man, I thought.   A man used to taking charge.  A man not used to taking “no” for an answer.  A man who would tell me what he wanted.  A man who would look into my soul and say . . . . .
“Okay, ma’am,” said a voice.  “All done.”
My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse.   “You can board your flight now.”

Darn Cat
A couple was going out for the evening. They’d gotten ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don’t want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab, “Sorry I took so long,” he says. “Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!”

THE MEMORIAL STONE

Billy died…. His will provided $30,000 for this elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Joyce, turned to her oldest and dearest friend, Jonelle.
“Well, I’m sure Billy would be pleased,” she said.
“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Jonelle, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
“How much did this really cost?”
“All of it,” said Joyce .. “Thirty thousand dollars.”
“No!” Jonelle exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?”
Joyce answered, “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church.
The whiskey, wine, food and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.”
Jonelle quickly computed the total of $7,500 and said “$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?”
Joyce answered, “Two and a half carats
Through the eyes of a child
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, “Mom! That lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!

The Heart Attack
The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there it was too late and the man had died.
While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.
The lady replied, “Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going.”
 

AP Biology

Students in an AP Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.

The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk,’ worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1.) It is perfect formula for the child.

2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3.) It is always the right temperature.

4.) It is inexpensive.

5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6.) It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote…

7.) It comes in 2 cute containers.

He got an A.

Birthday Gift

 
A husband went to buy a birthday gift for his wife. Some friends had been invited over that night to celebrate her fortieth, and he wanted to get something special. At the store he spotted some cute little music boxes. One blue one was playing “Happy Birthday.”
Thinking they were all the same, he chose a red one and had it gift-wrapped. Later, at dinner, he gave it to his wife and asked her to open it…
When she lifted the lid, out came the tune to “The Old Gray Mare, She Ain’t What She Used to Be!”  
LARD TUNDERIN’ Jaysus b’y
A Newfoundlander living in Toronto decided to visit the Scarborough zoo.
While there, he saw a man with an elephant act.
The man claimed the elephant could look at an person and tell that person’s age.
The Newfie was very skeptical  and said so, in no uncertain terms.The trainer had
the elephant look at a small boy, and
the elephant stamped its foot 9 times.
“Is that right?” he asked the boy. “Oh yes,” the boy said.
The Newfie was again very loud in expressing his disbelief so the man asked the

elephant to tell the ages of several other people,
and each time the elephant stamped his foot, the people said he was correct.
The Newfie got even louder and more abusive toward the man.
Finally, the trainer could take it no longer, and offered to bet the Newfie that the

elephant could look at him and tell him his age.
The Newfie accepted the wager.
The elephant looked very closely at the skeptic, then turned around, raised his tail

and broke wind like you wouldn’t believe.
Then he turned back around and stomped his foot twice.
The Newfie stumbled back, amazed, and with a sound of disbelief in his voice,

cried,
“Lard tunderin’ Jaysus b’y, he’s right!!!!
I’m farty-two!”

In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox

Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot

be condoned under any circumstance.  The following response is an open letter

to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet.  It’s

funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law.  I have

learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as

many people as I can.  When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle,

for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an

abomination … End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of

God’s Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female,

provided they are purchased from neighboring nations.  A friend of mine claims

that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians.  Can you clarify?  Why can’t I

own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7.  In

this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period

of Menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15: 19-24.  The problem is how do I tell?  I

have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor

for the Lord – Lev.1:9.  The problem is my neighbors.  They claim the odor is not

pleasing to them.  Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath.  Exodus 35:2

clearly states he should be put to death.  Am I morally obligated to kill him

myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev.

11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.  I don’t agree.  Can you

settle this?  Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in

my sight.  I have to admit that I wear reading glasses.  Does my vision have to be

20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their

temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27.  How should they

die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me

unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm.  He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops

in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different

kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend).  He also tends to curse and blaspheme a

lot.  Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town

together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16.  Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a

private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.

20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable

expertise in such matters, so I’m confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan.

James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum,

Instruction, and Special Education
University of Virginia

Happy Filing!
At the end of the tax year, the Revenue Canada office sent an inspector to audit

the books of a local hospital. While the auditor was checking the books he turned

to the CFO of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What

do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”
“Good question,” noted the CFO. “We save them up and send them back to the

bandage company, and every now and then they send us a free box of

bandages.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a

practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
“What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over

after setting a cast on a patient?”
“Ah, yes,” replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with

an unanswerable question. “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and

every now and then they send us a free package of plaster.”
“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it

-all CFO.
“Well,” he went on, “What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the

circumcisions you perform?”
“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the CFO. “What we do is save all the

little foreskins and send them to Revenue Canada, and about once a year they

send us a complete dick.”

Circumcised (this is priceless!)
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around,

scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what

was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently

been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal’s office. He was to telephone his

mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his

class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back

to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
‘I thought I told you to call your mom!’ she said. ‘I did,’ he said, ‘And she told me

that if I could stick it out till noon, she’d come and pick me up from school.’

Think about these:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

C O W S

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow

epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three

years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they

tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate Osama Bin Laden.

Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

T H E    C O N S T I T U T I O N

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq   …. Why don’t we just

give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for

over 200 years, and we’re not using it anymore.

T H E   1 0    C O M M A N D M E N T S

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments posted in a

courthouse is this:  You cannot post ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal,’ ‘Thou Shalt Not

Commit Adultery,’ and ‘Thou Shall Not Lie’ in a building full of lawyers, judges

and politicians…It creates a hostile work environment.

A Dog’s Life
A woman told a marriage counselor that her husband’s complaint that he leads a

dog’s life is probably well founded.

“He comes in the house with muddy feet,” she said, “tracks across my clean

floors, barks at nothing, growls at his food and makes himself comfortable on my

best furniture.”

An  Alberta  farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor’s, and knocked at the

door. A boy, about 9, opened the door
“Is your Dad home?”
“No sir, he isn’t; he went to town.”
“Well, is your Mother here?”
“No sir, she went to town with Dad.”
“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”
“No sir, He went with Mom and Dad.”
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and

mumbling to himself.
“Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to

borrow one, or I can give dad a message.”
“Well,” said the rancher uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your Dad.  It’s

about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant.”‘

The boy thought for a moment. “You would have to talk to Dad about that.  I

know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don’t know how

much he charges for Howard.”

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me….

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

What is Kitty?
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens.

On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, “There were two boy

kittens and two girl kittens.”

“How did you know that?” his mother asked.

“Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,” he replied. “I think it’s printed

on the bottom.”

Lemon  Pickers Wanted !!
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too

qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, “I have to ask you this:
“Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”

“Well, as a matter of fact, I have!

“I’ve been divorced three times, owned 2 Toyota ‘s, 3 Chryslers and one Ford ,

rooted for the Maple Leafs, and I voted for Harper.

Nice One…
One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too

much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided

not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

The next night the man and his wife were driving to a res- taurant. Suddenly he

looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat.

Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her

window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.

With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That’s when he

noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. “Honey,” she asked, “have you seen

my other shoe?”

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but

knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper

for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to

hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the

drunk
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot

about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand, “You have done a

really good job, and the ranch looks great.
You should go into town and kick up your heels.”
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return. Two o’clock came around and

there was no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the

rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
“Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
“Now take off my boots.”
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
“Now take off my socks.”
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
“Now take off my skirt.”
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
“Now take off my bra..” Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and

dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, “If you ever wear my clothes into town again,

you’re fired.”

Bottle of Wine
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you

weren’t married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a bottle

of wine.

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when

she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip

was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if

she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey,

Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old

woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little

detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

“What’s in the bag?” asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, “It’s a bottle of wine…got it for my

husband.” The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then

speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, “Good trade.”

Children in Church
A little boy was in a relative’s wedding.
As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps,
stop, and turn to the crowd.
While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.
So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard
by the time he reached the pulpit..
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said,
“I was being the Ring Bear.”
One Sunday in a  Midwest City  ,
a young child was “acting up” during the morning worship hour.
The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew
but were losing the battle.
Finally, the father picked the little fellow up
and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.
Just before reaching the safety of the foyer,
the little one called loudly to the congregation,
“Pray for me! Pray for me!”
One particular four-year old prayed,
“And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”
A little boy was overheard praying:
“Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it.
I’m having a real good time like I am.”
A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to

church service,
“And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”
One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination,
looking at the old pages as he turned them.
Then something fell out of the Bible.
He picked it up and looked at it closely.
It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.
“Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out.
“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice he answered,
“It’s Adam ‘s suit”..
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike,
and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform,
jerking the mike cord as he went.
Then he moved to one side,
getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.
After several circles and jerks,
a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered,
“If he gets loose, will he hurt us?”
Six-year old Angie , and her four-year old brother, Joel , were sitting together in

church.
Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough.
“You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.”
“Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
“See those two men standing by the door?
They’re hushers.”
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked ,
“Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?”
I mentally polished my halo, while I asked,
“No, how are we alike?”
“You’re both old,” he replied..
A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother,
was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.
Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking,
“Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus ? The virgin Mary or the  King James

Virgin ?”
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.
They were ready to discuss the last one.
The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,
“Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor’s wife.

The Irish Point of View
Six retired Irishmen are playing poker in O’Leary’s apartment
when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest,
and drops dead at the table.  Showing respect for their fallen brother,
The other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O’Conner looks around and asks, “Oh, me boys, someone
got’s to tell Paddy’s wife. Who will it be?”
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell
him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.
“Discreet??? I’m the most discreet Irishmen you’ll ever meet.
Discretion Is me middle name. Leave it to me.”
Gallagher goes over to Murphy’s house and knocks on the door.
Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, “Your husband just lost $500, and is
afraid to come home.”
“Tell him to drop dead!”, says Murphy’s wife.
“I’ll go tell him.” says Gallagher.

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while they are eating breakfast,
The young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.
“That laundry is not very clean”, she said.
“She doesn’t know how to wash correctly.
Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.”

Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry,
The young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a
Nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:

“Look, she has learned how to wash correctly.
I wonder who taught her this.”

The husband said, “I got up early this morning and
Cleaned our windows.”

And so it is with life. What we see when watching others
Depends on the purity of the window through which we look

Lil Johnny ROCKS !!! \,,/

One day Lil Johny says to his father:
I want to get married.
Father: Oh, so do you have someone special in your mind?
Johny: Yes , Grandma
Father: What? There is a problem now, you want to marry my Mother?
Johny: Why not? You married my mother
__________________________________
L.Johnny: Can I go to the toilet?
Teacher: Johnny, MAY I go to the toilet?
L.Johnny: But I asked first!
__________________________________
Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about his family trip. “We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis , Minnesota .”
The teacher asked, “Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?”
Little Johnny said, “Actually, we went to Ohio .”
______________________________________________
“Johnny, did your Mother help you with your homework last night?” the teacher asked.
“No, she did it all,” Little Johnny replied.
__________________________________________________
“Dad,” said Little Johnny, “I’m late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?”
Little Johnny’s father said irately, “Son, it just wouldn’t be right.”
“That’s okay,” replied Little Johnny “At least you could try, right?”
________________________________________
Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
Little Johnny: One dollar.
Teacher(sadly): You don’t know your arithmetic.
Little Johnny (sadly): You don’t know my father
__________________________
Teacher: “Hello boys, Remember!!! Nothing is impossible.”
Little Johnny: “OK sir, could you please squeeze out all the toothpaste and put it back  into the tube again.”

Will I Live to see 80?
Here’s something to think about.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well’ for my age. (I just turned 60.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, ‘Do you think I’ll live to be 80?’
He asked, ‘Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?’
‘Oh no,’ I replied.. ‘I’m not doing drugs, either!’
Then he asked, ‘Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
‘I said, ‘Not much… my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!’
‘Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?’
‘No, I don’t,’ I said.
He asked, ‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?’
‘No,’ I said.
He looked at me and said,… ‘Then, why do you even care?

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!!

HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER

You don’t even have to be a mother to enjoy this one…

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal,
Brian’s mother couldn’t help but notice how beautiful Brian’s roommate,
Jennifer, was. Brian’s Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic
relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more
curious.

Throughout the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to
wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom’s thoughts, Brian volunteered ‘I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.’

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, ‘Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
You don’t suppose she took it, do you?’

Brian said, ‘Well, I doubt it, but I’ll send her an e-mail just to be sure.
So he sat down and wrote:
_______________________________________________________
Dear Mom,
I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take the gravy ladle from the house, I’m not
saying that you ‘did not’ take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that
one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
__________________________________________________________
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son,
I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Jennifer, I’m not saying that you
‘do not’ sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is
sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom

SENIOR CITIZEN

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the
car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 160kmh,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

“Amazing!” he thought as he flew down the 401, enjoying pushing the
pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw
a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

“I can get away from him – no problem!” thought the elderly nutcase
as he floored it to 180kmh, then 220 then 240kmh.

Suddenly, he thought, “What on earth am I doing? I’m too old for this
nonsense!” So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for
the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver’s side
of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, “Sir, my shift ends in 10
minutes.
Today is Friday and I’m taking off for the weekend. If you can give
me a reason why you were speeding  that I’ve never heard before, I’ll
let you  go.”

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied,
“Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were
bringing  her back.”

“Have a good day, Sir”, said the policeman.

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 —CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY?

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.  She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, ‘Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition.  She sat down under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming’ and I grinned.  Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ‘ Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling,’ and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, ‘William’s Big Stick Did the Trick,’ and I could hardly contain myself.  But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, ‘Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident’… I just lost it.’

The Frog and Golf
A man goes out golfing.
He is on the second hole when
He notices a frog sitting next to
The green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, “Ribbit 9 Iron.
The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone.
Again, he hears, “Ribbit 9 Iron.”
He looks at the frog and decides to
Prove the frog wrong, puts the club
Away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog,
“Wow that’s amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, he?”
The frog replies, “Ribbit Lucky frog.”
The man decides to take the frog with
Him to the next hole.
“What do you think frog?” the man asks.
“Ribbit 3 wood.”
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!
Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed
The best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, “OK where to next?”
The frog replies, “Ribbit Las Vegas .”
” They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, “OK frog, now what?”
The frog says, “Ribbit Roulette.”
Upon approaching the roulette table,
The man asks, “What do you think I
Should bet?”
The frog replies, “Ribbit $3000, black 6.”
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across
The table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, “Frog, I don’t know how to repay you
You’ve won me all this money and I am forever grateful.”
The frog replies,
“Ribbit Kiss Me.”
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a
Gorgeous girl.
“And that is how the girl ended up in my room Elin. So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods.”

.
In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 50
60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)

As I grow in age, I value women over 50 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, ‘What are you thinking?’ She doesn’t care what you think.

If a woman over 50 doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it’s usually more interesting.

Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it’s like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age.. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest.. They’ll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 50, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, ‘Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?Here’s an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.Why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Baby’s First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud. I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

‘Breast-fed,’ she replied.

‘Well, strip down to your waist,’ the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
‘No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.’

‘I know,’ she said, ‘I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.’

Baseball Quote
At the UPS cargo phone center where I worked, a woman called and said, “I need a baseball quote.”

I immediately answered with Yogi Berra’s famous “It ain’t over ’til it’s over!”

There was a brief moment of silence before the woman asked, “What was that?”

“You asked me for a baseball quote,” I responded, “and that was the first thing that came into my head.”

“Oh,” she replied. “My husband told me to call and get a baseball quote.”

I asked if she wanted to ship something, and she said she did. Then it dawned on me: “Do you mean you want a ballpark figure?”

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

‘Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.’
The pharmacist fainted

It’s a slow day in some little town.
>
>
> The sun is hot…….. the streets are deserted.
>
> Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
>
> On this particular day a rich tourist  is driving thru
> town.
>
> He stops at the local motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants
> to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
>
> As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs
> next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
>
> The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt
> to the pig farmer.
>
> The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the feed
> store.
>
> The guy at the Farmer’s Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to
> the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to
> offer her services on credit.
>
> She, in a flash rushes to the motel and pays off her room bill with the
> motel owner.
>
> The motel proprietor now places the $100 back on the counter so the
> rich traveler will not suspect anything.
>
> At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100
> bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money &
> leaves. Now, no one produced anything…and no one earned
> anything…however, many townfolk  are out of debt and are looking to the
> future with much optimism.

A few good Senior Moments
Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his
zipper was down
and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and
said, ‘This
morning when you left your house, did you close your garage
door?’ The boss
told her he knew he’d closed the garage door, and walked into
his office
puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was
open, and
zipped it up. He then understood his assistant’s question about
his ‘garage
door.’

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask,
‘When my
garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?’

She smiled and said, ‘No, I didn’t. All I saw was an old mini
van with two
flat tires..
An elderly gentleman….
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to
the doctor
and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing
aids that
allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the
doctorsaid, ‘Your hearing is perfect… Your family must be
really pleased that
you can hear again.’
The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed
my will
three times!’

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a
bench under
a tree when one turns to the other and says: ‘Slim, I’m 83 years
old now and
I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age.
How do you
feel?’
Slim says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’
‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’
‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and
after eating,
the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we
went out to a
new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it
very highly.’
The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’
The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What is the
name of
that flower you give to someone you love?
You know…. The one that’s red and has thorns.’
‘Do you mean a rose?’
‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards
the kitchen
and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last
night?’

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being
discharged.However, while working as a student nurse, I found
one elderly gentleman
already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his
feet, who
insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me
wheel him to the
elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom
changing out
of her hospital gown.’

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering
things. During
a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay,
but they
might want to start writing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from
his chair.
‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.
‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’
‘Sure..’
‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember
it?’ she asks.
‘No, I can remember it.’
‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should
write it
down, so as not to forget it?’
He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries.’
‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that,
write it
down?’ she asks.
Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can
remember it! Ice
cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for
goodness sake!’
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The
old man
returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and
eggs.. She
stares at the plate for a moment.
‘Where’s my toast ?’

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
‘So I hear you’re getting married?’
‘Yep!’
‘Do I know her?’
‘Nope!’
‘This woman, is she good looking?’
‘Not really.’
‘Is she a good cook?’
‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’
‘Does she have lots of money?’
‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’
‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’
‘Because she can still drive!’
>
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’
Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’
Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer..’

A man was telling his neighbor, ‘I just bought a new hearing
aid. It cost me
four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art.. It’s perfect.’
‘Really,’ answered the neighbor . ‘What kind is it?’
‘Twelve thirty..’

Morris, an 88 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street
with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said,
‘You’re really
doing great, aren’t you?’
Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma
and be
cheerful.”
The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a
heart murmur; be careful.’

One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and
pulled himself
slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath,
he ordered a
banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

HELL TO GET OLD…

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student  said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”
The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.”
Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, “We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have.  Could you tell us what it is?”
The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.”
The first student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.”
The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.”
The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”
The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.”
So they asked him, “Well, old timer, what do you have?”
The old man said, “I thought it was GAS – but I was wrong, too!”

Insurance Policy
Larry’s barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.

Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money.”

The agent replied, “Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we’ll provide you with a new barn of similar worth.”

There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, “If that’s how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband.”

Strange
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, “Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.”

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, “Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.”

That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark:

“That’s Strange!”

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, ‘You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.’

The cat thought for a minute and then said, ‘All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.’

God said, ‘Say no more.’ Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, ‘Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.’

God answered, ‘It is done.’ All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, ‘Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?’

The cat replied, ‘Oh, it is WONDERFUL I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!’

A Newfoundlander Running in the Rain.

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One  rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway. ‘Oh my God – Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!’

‘I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there!’

‘If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!’ she replied.  ‘He’s got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!’

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the St John’s Labour Day marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 5000 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

‘Do you always run in the nude?’ one asked.
‘Oh yes by’e!’ he replied, gasping in air. ‘It feels so wonderfully free!’

Another runner moved along side. ‘Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?
‘Oh , yes me by’e’ our friend answered breathlessly. ‘That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!’

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, ‘Do you always wear a condom when you run?’

‘Lard Tunderin Geez No by’e……….just when it’s raining.’

SEX AND THE ELDERLY…..
The eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, the
Doctor said, “You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Green, but tell me, do You still have intercourse?”
“Just a minute, I’ll have to ask my husband,” she said.
She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud:

“Bob, do we still have intercourse?” There was a complete hush – you could have heard a pin drop.
Bob answered impatiently, “If I told you once, Irma, I’ve told you a hundred Times…What we have is Blue Cross!”
Circumcised

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal’s office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
‘I thought I told you to call your mom!’ she said. ‘I did,’ he said, ‘And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she’d come and pick me up from school.’

Think about these:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

C O W S

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate Osama Bin Laden. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

T H E    C O N S T I T U T I O N

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq   …. Why don’t we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we’re not using it anymore.

T H E   1 0    C O M M A N D M E N T S

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:  You cannot post ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal,’ ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,’ and ‘Thou Shall Not Lie’ in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians…It creates a hostile work environment.

A Dog’s Life
A woman told a marriage counselor that her husband’s complaint that he leads a dog’s life is probably well founded.

“He comes in the house with muddy feet,” she said, “tracks across my clean floors, barks at nothing, growls at his food and makes himself comfortable on my best furniture.”

An  Alberta  farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor’s, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door
“Is your Dad home?”
“No sir, he isn’t; he went to town.”
“Well, is your Mother here?”
“No sir, she went to town with Dad.”
“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”
“No sir, He went with Mom and Dad.”
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
“Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message.”
“Well,” said the rancher uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your Dad.  It’s about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant.”‘

The boy thought for a moment. “You would have to talk to Dad about that.  I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don’t know how much he charges for Howard.”

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me….

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

What is Kitty?
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens.

On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, “There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.”

“How did you know that?” his mother asked.

“Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,” he replied. “I think it’s printed on the bottom.”

Lemon  Pickers Wanted !!
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, “I have to ask you this:
“Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”

“Well, as a matter of fact, I have!

“I’ve been divorced three times, owned 2 Toyota ‘s, 3 Chryslers and one Ford , rooted for the Maple Leafs, and I voted for Harper.

Nice One…
One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

The next night the man and his wife were driving to a res- taurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.

With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That’s when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. “Honey,” she asked, “have you seen my other shoe?”

Going to dinner…
A group of 40 year old  buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally  it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress’s there have low cut blouses and nice  breasts.
10 years  later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they  discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon  that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food  there is very good and the wine selection is good  also.
10 years  later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they  discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon  that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can  eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke  free.
10 years  later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they  discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon  that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the  restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an  elevator.
10 years  later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they  discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon  that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that  would be a great idea because they have never been there  before.

New to Baseball
Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. “So, how did you do son?” he asked.
“You’ll never believe it!” Billy said. “I was responsible for the winning run!”
“Really? How’d you do that?”
“I dropped the ball.”

The Manager
Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a friendly, jovial man. But there was one subject you didn’t dare discuss in front of him–his height. Or, should I say, his lack of it.
One day he stormed through the door and announced angrily, “Someone just picked my pocket!”
Most of my fellow waitresses and I were speechless, except for one who blurted out, “How could anyone stoop so low?”

Eye Surgery
Working in an ophthalmology practice that specializes in LASIK surgery, I am expected to comfort nervous patients. But prior to one operation, the patient was so nervous she was actually shaking.
Nothing I said to her would comfort her so after the doctor finished on the first eye and before he began on the second I wanted her to know the surgery was going well.
There, I said, patting her hand reassuringly, “Now you only have one eye left.”

A TEST FOR OLD KIDS?
This is a test for us ‘old kids’! The answers are printed below, but don’t cheat..
01.After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, “Who was that masked man?” Invariably, someone would answer, “I don’t know, but he left this behind.”
What did he leave behind?________________.
02.When the Beatles first came to the U.S. In early 1964, we all watched them on The _______________ Show.
03.Get your kicks, __________________.’
04.’The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to ___________________.’
05.’In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________ 06.After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we ‘danced’ under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the ‘_____________..’
07.Nestle’s makes the very best . . . . _______________.’
08.Satchmo was  America ‘s ‘Ambassador of Goodwill.’ Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _________________.
09.What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _________
10.Red Skeleton’s hobo character was named ___________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, ‘Good Night, and ‘________ ________. ‘
11.Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their______________.
12.The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ____________ & _______________.
13.In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, ‘the day the music died.’ This was a tribute to _____________
14.We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ___________________.
15.One of the big fads of the late 50’s and 60’s was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the __ ______________.

ANSWERS :
01.The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
02.The Ed Sullivan Show
03.On Route 66
04..To protect the innocent
05.The Lion Sleeps Tonight
06.The limbo
07.Chocolate
08.Louis Armstrong
09.The Timex watch
10.Freddy, The Freeloader and ‘Good Night and God Bless.’
11.Draft cards (Bras were also burned.? Not flags, as some have guessed)
12.Beetle or Bug
13.Buddy Holly
14.Sputnik
15.Hoola-hoop  

Last Words
A Greek and a Scotsman

A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbuck’s cafe discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, ‘Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,’ arching his eyebrows.
The Scotsman then replies, ‘Well… it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.’
The Greek  retorts, ‘We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.’
The Scotsman, nodding in agreement, says, ‘Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.’
And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.  With a flourish of finality he says, ‘The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!’
The Scotsman replies, ‘Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to the women.

On a bitterly cold winter’s day several years ago in northern British Columbia, an RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.
“What’s the matter?” asked the policeman.
“Carburetor’s frozen,” was the terse reply.
“Pee on it.  That’ll thaw it out.”
“Can’t.”
“OK, Watch me and I will show you.”
The constable lubricated the carburetor, as promised.  The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider.
It began:  “On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded ….”

The Poor Tailor and the French Restaurant
Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Abraham would go out the back of his shop and eat his black bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant’s kitchen.
One day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from the restaurant for ‘enjoyment of food’. So he went to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything from them. The manager said, “You’re enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it.”
Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, “Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it.”
The judge turns to Abraham and said, “What do you have to say to that?”
Abraham didn’t say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.
The judge asked him, “What is the meaning of that?”
Abraham replied, “I’m paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money.”

When I say I’m broke – I’m broke
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
‘Good morning,’ said the young man. ‘If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners…”
‘Go away!’ said the old lady. ‘’I’m broke and haven’t got any money!’’ and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open… ‘’Don’t be too hasty!’’ he said.
‘’Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.’’
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. ‘’Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.’’
The old lady stepped back and said, ‘’Well let me get you a fork, ‘cause they cut off my electricity this morning.”

We Have a New Baby
For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?”
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, “My son is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”
The second Catholic woman chirps, “Well, my son is a Bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Grace’.”
The third Catholic woman says smugly, “Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say “Your Eminence.”
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle “Well…?”
She replies, “My son is a gorgeous, 6’4”, hard bodied, well hung, male stripper.
Whenever he walks into a room, women say, “My God.”

I was in the john the other day… 

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: “Hi, how are you?” I’m not the type to start a conversation in the restroom. I don’t know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed, “Doin’ just fine!” And the other person says: “So what are you up to?” What kind of question is that? At that point, I’m thinking this is too bizarre so I say: “Uhhh, I’m like you, just sitting here.” At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question: “Can I come over?” Ok, this question is just too weird for me. I figured I could politely end the conversation. I say: “No…….. I’m a little busy right now!!!” Then I hear the person say, nervously: “Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!”

A lawyer arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for Edwin Wright, a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. 

 
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? What was his excuse?
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. His wife answered and was told that her husband’s client had been granted a stay of execution after all and would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
“They’re not hanging Wright tonight,” she said.
To which he whirled around and screamed, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?”

Ask Jeeves:

 
My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular Ask Jeeves site, and we told her it could answer any question she had. Nancy’s mother was very skeptical until Nancy said. “It’s true, Mom. Think of something to ask it.”
As I sat with my fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy’s mother thought for a minute, then responded, “How is Aunt Helen feeling this morning?”
 
 
 
 

 

 

Focusing

 
He’s gonna do what? – There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke’s Nursing Home and the editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin biddies. One of the twins was hard of hearing but the other could hear quite well. The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa. The deaf one said to her twin, “WHAT DID HE SAY?” He said, “WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!”, said the other. “Now get a little closer together”, said the cameraman. Again, “WHAT DID HE SAY?” “HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE”. So, they wiggled up close to each other. “Just hold on for a bit longer, I’ve got to focus a little,” said the photographer. Yet again – “WHAT DID HE SAY?” “HE SAYS HE’S GONNA FOCUS!” With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, “OH MY GOD – BOTH OF US?
 
 
 
 
 

 

 

Did you hear about the 83 year old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she  forgot where she was going?

The Right Doctor!

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her breasts.  Dr Smith advised her, ‘Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say,’Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!’
She did this faithfully for several months!
To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs!
One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn’t recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, ‘Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.’
A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked ‘Oh! Are you a patient of Dr.Smith’s?’
‘Yes I am.. How did you know?’
He, winked and whispered, ‘ Hickory dickory dock…’

Retirement
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, ‘Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?’
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So Mary called him a fart head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Just then our bus arrived.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired. It’s important at our age.

THINGS YOU DON’T HEAR ANYMORE……..

Be sure to refill the ice trays, we’re going to have company after while.
Watch for the postman, I want to get this letter to Aunt Mary in the mail today.
Quit slamming the screen door when you are on your way out!
Be sure and pull the windows down when you leave, it looks like a shower is coming up.

Don’t forget to wind the clock before you go to bed.
Wash your feet before you go to bed, they are nasty from playing outside all day barefooted.

Why can’t you remember to roll up your pant legs? Getting them caught in the bicycle chain so many times is tearing them up.
You have torn the knees out of that pair of pants so many times there is nothing left to put a patch on.

Don’t you go outside with your good school clothes on!
Go comb your hair; it looks like the rats have nested in it all night.
Be sure and pour the cream off the top of the milk when you open the new bottle.
Take that empty bottle to the store with you so you won’t have to pay a deposit on another one.

Put a dish towel over the cake so the flies won’t get on it.
Quit jumping on the floor! I have a cake in the oven and you are going to make it fall if you don’t quit!
Let me know when the Fuller Brush man comes by, I need to get a few things from him.
You boys stay close by, the car may not start and I will need you to help push it off.

There’s a dollar in my purse, get 5 gallons of gas when you go to town.
Open the back door and see if we can get a breeze through here, it is getting hot.

You can walk to the store; it won’t hurt you to get some exercise.
Don’t sit too close to the TV. It is hard on your eyes.

If you pull that stunt again, I am going to wear you out!
Don’t lose that button; I’ll sew it back on after awhile.

Wash under your neck before you come to the table, you have beads of dirt and sweat all under there.
Get out from under the sewing machine; pumping it messes up the thread!
Be sure and fill the lamps this morning so we don’t have to do that tonight in the dark.

Here, take this old magazine to the toilet with you when you go, we are almost out of paper out there.
Go out to the well and draw a bucket of water so I can wash dishes.
Don’t turn the radio on now, I want the battery to be up when the Grand Ole Opry comes on.

No! I don’t have nine cents for you to go to the show. Do you think money grows on trees?
Eat those vegetables, they’ll make you big and strong like your daddy.
That dog is NOT coming in this house! I don’t care how cold it is out there, dogs just don’t come in the house.

Sit still! I’m trying to get your hair cut straight and you keep moving and it is all botched up.
Hush your mouth! I don’t want to hear words like that! I’ll wash your mouth out with soap!
It is time for your system to be cleaned out. I am going to give you a dose of castor oil tonight.
If you get a spanking in school and I find out about it, you’ll get another one when you get home.

Quit crossing your eyes! They will get stuck that way!
Soak your foot in this pan of coal oil so that bad cut won’t get infected.
When you take your driving test, don’t forget to signal each turn. Left arm straight out the window for a left turn; left arm bent up at the elbow for a right turn; and straight down to the side of the door when you are going to stop.

It is: “Yes Ma’am!” and “No Ma’am!” to me, young man, and don’t you forget it!

And then the fight started

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive…
so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started.
———— ——— ——— ——— ———
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’
‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend.  I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’
And then the fight started…
———— ——— ——— ——— ———
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.  Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man ‘Holy crap. That must be my husband!’
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window.
He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ‘I AM your husband!’
The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why were you running?’
And then the fight started…..
———— ——— ——— ——— ———
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started….

 
 Equal Opportunity Offender
Hotel Dog
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: “I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here, too.”
A Summary of 2008 with Hope for 2009
We had a great year in 2008.
Blacks are happy: Obama was elected.
Whites are happy: OJ is in jail.
Democrats are happy: George Bush is leaving office.
Republicans are happy: Democrats will finally quit saying George Bush stole the election.
And all of us are so happy that the election is finally over!
2009 will be even better. Immediately after his inauguration, Obama will balance the budget, revive the economy, solve the real estate problem, solve the auto industry problem, solve our gas/alternative energy problem, stop the fires and mudslides in California, ban hurricanes and tornadoes, stop identity theft, reverse global warming, find Osama, solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, get rid of corruption in government and achieve world peace.
Then on the 7th day, He will rest.
…author unknown
 humourous-saying-2.jpg
A lawyer arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a  stay of execution for Edwin Wright, a client who was due to be hanged for murder at   midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have  you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he  went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak  in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was  told that her husband’s client had been granted a stay of execution after all and would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided  to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom  door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his  legs and feet.
“They’re not hanging Wright tonight,” she said.
To which he whirled around and screamed, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD,  WOMAN,
DON’T YOU EVER STOP?”  

The Pasta Diet and Your Health

ITALIAN PASTA DIET — IT REALLY WORKS !!
1.. You walk pasta da bakery.
2… You walka pasta da candy store.
3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4.. You walka pasta da table and fridge.
You will lose weight!
AND….
For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the English.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
5.. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

THE GOOD NAPKINS . . .
 Ahhhhh , The joys of having girls:  My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake).  One day, I was in  the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar.  I read
the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping ”napkins’ in the bathroom.  Didn’t they belong in the kitchen?
Not wanting to burden me  with unnecessary facts,  she told me that those were for ‘special occasions (her second mistake).  Now fast forward a few months . It’s Thanksgiving Day, and  my folks
are leaving to pick up  my uncle and his wife for dinner.  Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table  (her third mistake). When they returned, my uncle came in
first  and immediately burst into laughter.  Next came his wife, who gasped,  then, began giggling.  Next came my father,  who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table  with a ‘special occasion’Kotex napkin at each plate,  with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so that  they didn’t hang off the edge!! My mother asked me why I used these and,  of
course, my response sent  the other adults into further fits of laughter.
‘But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!!’
 

Clear Off
A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said, “Let’s get off the corner people.”
A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, “Let’s get off that corner… NOW!”
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, “Well, how did I do?”
“Pretty good,” chuckled the vet, “especially since this is a bus stop.”
…………………
A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:
When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
………….
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both
he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it
is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.
Well, he said,  ‘It’s what mommy calls me sometimes’.
The little girl screams to her brother
‘Don’t eat it, it’s an asshole..
………….
Yesterday I was at Pet Smart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow   for my loyal dog Zeke, and was in the checkout line when  the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her, No, I don’t have a dog.
I am starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, and that the way it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets Then you simply take one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well, and I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, that I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s ass and a car hit us both.

The value of a #2 pencil

 
Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. ‘Tell me Susie, who created the universe?’
When Susie didn’t stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. ‘God Almighty!’ shouted Susie. The Nun said, ‘Very good’ and continued teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked Susie, ‘Who is our Lord and Savior?’But Susie didn’t stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt. ‘ Jesus Christ !!!’ shouted Susie. And the Nun once again said, ‘Very good,’ and Susie fell back asleep.The Nun asked her a third question…’What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?’ Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, ‘If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!’ The nun fainted!
 Shaping Up for a Good Excuse
This Policeman pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.
“I was only going 40!” the driver protested.
“Not according to my radar,” the officer replied.
“Yes, I was!” the man shouted back.
“No you weren’t!” the policeman said, starting to get annoyed. With that, the man’s wife leaned toward the window and said,
“Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he’s been drinking.”
 
 
 

 

 

___________________________

An  older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his  collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care  of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head;  he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall,  curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An  hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day  he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in  the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for  several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: ‘I would  like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if  you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a  nap.’
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note  pinned to his collar: ‘He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age  of 3 – he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him  tomorrow?’

Summer Olympic Commentators Bloopers
1. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: ‘I owe a lot to my parents, especially
my mother and father.’
2. Boxing Analyst: ‘Sure there have been injuries, and even some
deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.’
3. Softball announcer: ‘If history repeats itself, I should think we
can expect the same thing again.’
4. Basketball analyst: ‘He dribbles a lot and the opposition            doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.’
5. At the rowing medal ceremony: ‘Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife
of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.’
6. Soccer commentator: ‘Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like
they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.’
7. Tennis commentator: ‘One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is
that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them..
Oh my God, what have I just said?’

Running to the Bank
A primary school teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. “Now imagine this,” she said. “A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and calling for help. His wife hears the noise, and knowing he can’t swim, runs down to the bank. Why do you think she runs to the bank?”
A little girl raised her hand and asked, “Was it to draw out all his savings?”

n a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I’ll not consent .
Until I know which way you went.

A distraught  senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office.
‘Is it true,’ she wanted to  know, ‘that the  medication you  prescribed has to be taken  for the  rest of my life?’
‘Yes, I’m afraid so,’ the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before  the  senior  lady replied,  ‘I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my  condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO  REFILLS’.’
***********************
An  older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he  insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
He asked to speak  to his son.
‘Yes, Dad,  what is it? ‘
Don’t be nervous, son; do  your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me,  your mother is going to come and  live with you and your  wife….’
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aging:  Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and  start bragging about it.
———————————
The  older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
———————————
Some  people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me! I want people to know  ‘why’ I look this way.
I’ve traveled a long way  and some of the roads weren’t paved.
********************
When  you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of  Algebra…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You  know you are getting old when everything either dries up or  leaks.
——————————-
One  of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such  a nice change from being young.
Ah,  being young is beautiful,
But being old is comfortable.
———————————
Long  ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft…
Today, it’s  called golf.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two  old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The  first old guy says to the second guy, ‘Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I  wasn’t paying attention to  where I was going.’
The second old guy says, ‘That’s OK, it’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I  can’t find her and  I’m getting a little desperate.’
The first old guy says, ‘Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?’ The second old guy says, ‘Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?’
To  which the first old guy says, ‘Doesn’t matter,
— let’s look for yours.’
*********************
Lord,
Keep your arm around my shoulder
And  your hand over my mouth.

Football Wedding
Two guys are talking about their boss’s upcoming wedding.
One says, “It’s ridiculous, he’s rich, but he’s 93 years old, and she’s just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?”
The other says, “Well, we have a name for it in my family.”
“What do you call it?”
“We call it a football wedding.”
The first asks, “What’s a football wedding?”
The other says, “She’s waiting for him to kick off!”

Rye Bread

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park
bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said “Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, “Do you have any rye bread?”
She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?”
He said, “I want 5 loaves.
She said, “My goodness, 5 loaves…by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it’ll be hard”
Auggie replied, “I can’t believe it, everybody in the world knows about this shit but me.”

 Parking Spaces
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:
“I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.”
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note.
“I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket, I’ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.”

 Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, “I must tell you all something.  We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.”  “Thank God,” said an elderly nun at the back.  “I’m so tired of chardonnay.”

Another Word for Danger
As a stranger entered a little country store, he noticed a sign warning, “Danger! Beware of dog!” posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
“Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?” he asked the owner.
“Yep, that’s him,” came the reply.
The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”
“Because,” the owner explained, “Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him!” .

Childbirth at 65

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
‘May I see the new baby?’ I asked
‘Not yet,’ She said ‘I’ll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.’
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, ‘May I see the new baby now?’
‘No, not yet,’ She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, ‘May I see the baby now?’
‘No, not yet,’ replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, ‘Well, when can I see the baby?’
‘WHEN HE CRIES!’ she told me.
‘WHEN HE CRIES?’ I demanded. ‘Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?’
‘BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!’

Church Bloopers

 
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
————————–
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
————————–
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell,” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

————————–

Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

————————–

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

————————–

The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”

————————–

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

————————–

Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

A Healthy Life

 

Grandpa John was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. “Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success,” he cackled. “I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.”

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

“Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.”

100%

 

 
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
 
 
 
 

 

 
Heres a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

 

David Letterman’s Top Ten Reasons

Why Golf Is Better Than Sex…..

 
 
#10… A below par performance is considered damn good.
#9… You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#8… It’s much easier to find the sweet spot.
#7… Foursomes are encouraged.
#6… You can still make money doing it as a senior.

#5… Three times a day is possible.

#4… Your partner doesn’t hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.

#3… If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.

#2… You don’t have to cuddle with your partner when you’re finished.

And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex…..

#1… When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

 

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

“Mommy” she said “Can we leave now?”

“No” her mother replied.

“Well, I think I have to throw up!”

“Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church there is a bathroom.”

In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

“Were you sick?” her mother asked.

“Yes” the little girl replied.

“Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?”

“I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy” the little girl replied, “They have a box next to the front door that says ‘for the sick

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive .woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken back because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, ‘Do you know me? ‘To which she replies, ‘I think you’re the father of one of my kids. ‘Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, ‘My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching???
‘She looks into his eyes and says calmly, ‘No, I’m your son’s teacher.’

Off-Duty
An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.
The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.
“This guy must have screwed up the settings,” the off-duty officer thought.
A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets–each for not wearing a seat belt. 

Keeping Fit
Grandpa Melvin Cranston was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
“I will tell you the secret of my success,” he happily cackled. “My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.”
And, Grandpa Melvin continued, “Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.” 

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a car when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop, who was waiting for the service manager to take a look at his car.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, ‘Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?’  The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working.  The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag, and asked, ‘So, Doc, look at this engine.  I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in; and when I finish, it works just like new.  So how come I make a pretty small salary, and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?’
The cardiologist paused, smiled, and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic, ‘Try doing it with the engine running!’

A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and asked: ‘Now Maria, why do you
want a pay increase?’
Maria: Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an  increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.
Wife: ‘Who said you iron better than me?’
Maria: Your husband said so.’
Wife: ‘Oh.’
Maria: ‘The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.
Wife: ‘Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?’
Maria: Your husband did.’
Wife: ‘Oh.’
Maria: ‘My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.’
Wife (really furious now): ‘Did my husband say that as well?’
Maria: ‘No Senora, the gardener did.’
SHE GOT THE RAISE!

Playing Golf
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they had passionate relations all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.
As the man prepared to leave, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.
“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.
“Darling,” replied the man, “I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary and we’ve been together all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.”
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You lying jerk! You’ve been playing golf!”
 

Chicken Farmer 

 

 
A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.”He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,”What’s your occupation?”
“I’m a Lady of the night,” she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, ” Let’s try to rephrase that.”
The woman says, “OK, I”m a high-end call girl”.
“No, that still won’t work. Try again.”

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, “I’m an elite chicken farmer.”

The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?”

“Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year” “Chicken Farmer it is.”

 

 

Church Bulletin Bloppers

   

 
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
————————–
The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”
————————–
Don’t let worry kill you off
Let the Church help.

————————–

Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

————————–

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

————————–

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

Catholic Shampoo

 

 

 
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer section.
One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she wouldn’t feel comfortable about buying it.
The first nun replied that she could handle that without a problem.
She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look on his face, so the nun said, “We use beer for washing our hair; a sort of shampoo, if you will.”

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said, “The curlers are on the house.”

Who’s the StrongestA strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. “I am the strongest, most powerful man here,” he boasted. He made a special case of making fun of John, one of the older workmen.

 

After several minutes, John had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”

“You’re on old man,” the braggart replied. “It’s a bet! Let’s see what you got.”

John reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said “All right. Get in.”

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
The man said, “I do, Father.”
The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.”
Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply.
“Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.”
The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when |you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”
O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important  meeting and couldn’t find a parking place.   Looking up to heaven he said,”Lord take pity on me.   If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey”
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.  After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,
‘Say Father, what causes arthritis?’
The priest replies, ‘My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for his fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.’
The drunk muttered in response, ‘Well, I’ll be damned,’ Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong.  How long have you  had arthritis?’
The drunk answered, ‘I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.’

Backseat Driver
My wife cannot ride in a car without telling whoever is driving what to do, when to do it, etc. She is, bar none, the worst backseat driver in the world. I have long thought this, though she would deny it.
She claims she seldom, if ever, makes comments about my driving. I, of course, claim the opposite. And now I have proof!
The other day, we were headed to the mall and my daughter piped up, “Daddy, before you married Mommy, who told you how to drive?” Backseat Driver

 

.The “Middle Wife” by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher.

I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they’re welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. “This is Luke, my baby brother, and I’m going to tell you about his birthday.”

“First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom’s stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.”

She’s standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I’m trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

“Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, ‘Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!’ Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. “She walked around the house for, like an hour, ‘Oh, oh, oh!’ (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)  “My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn’t have a sign on the car like the Domino’s man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this. ” (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

“And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!” (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

“Then the middle wife starts saying ‘push, push,’ and ‘breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom’s play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.”

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I’m sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it’s show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another “Middle Wife” comes along.

Comments made in the year 1955
“I’m afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying ‘damn’ in ‘Gone With The Wind,’ it seems every new movie has either “hell” or “damn” in it.
“Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn’t surprise me if someday they’ll be making more than the president.”
“I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.”
“It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.”
“It won’t be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.”
“I’m just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.”
“If they think I’ll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.”

Telling Lies

The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned the boys were hurting the dog, the reverend went over and asked, “What are you doing with that dog?”
One of the boys replied, “This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we’ve decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog.”
The reverend was taken aback. “You boys shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!” he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, “Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie?” and ending with, “Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie.”
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he’d gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, “All right, give him the dog.”

Born a Baptist
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba’s neighbors were Catholic….And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass…..and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, ‘You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.’
Bubba’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba’s yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefullysprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:
You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish.

Please Give an Example
I was taking a ground school class for private pilots. During the session on weather, the instructor wanted to discuss the concept of sublimation, which is the act of going from a gas to a solid, while skipping the intermediate liquid stage.
As an example, he gave water vapor in the air condensing on a windshield to form ice. Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the instructor asked if anyone could provide an example of something that went straight from a solid to a gas.
He was expecting dry ice as the answer when one of the students blurted out, “Burritos!”

Will I live to be 90?
I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 90?”
He asked, “Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?”
“Oh no,” I replied. “I’m not doing drugs, either.”
Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”
I said, “No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!”
“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf,sailing,hiking, or bicycling?”
“No, I don’t,” I said.
He asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?”
“No,” I said. “I don’t do any of those things.”
He looked at me and said, “Then, why do you want to live to ninety?”